It’s been a little while. The blog has been on my mind but I’ve just not been able to get back to it lately. I started a new job late last year and my training ended and I took on full responsibilities a few months ago. That wound up being a very stressful time, as my current work is very important and very emotionally draining. Since then, I’ve started to actually get pretty good at said job and gotten over the initial, very large, hump. Meaning I’m in a much better place, both emotionally and also in just having time again. That means I want to return to this project. I still have a TON of material ready to go, we’ve gotten through maybe 1/4 of what has already been written, and I’m looking to get back to expanding the story soon as well. My plan is to kick things off again on Wednesday, so long as the lack of routine doesn’t result in me forgetting!
Over the last few months, I spent a lot more time just doing things that to help my well being. More time just mindlessly playing games, more time working on hobbies like model kits or miniature painting, and a great deal of time going toward finishing my “final” draft of my novel before shopping it to agents (on the home stretch on this part). Even then, I wasn’t able to get as much done as I would have liked and spent a great deal of time with some cold dread in my chest. That has finally abated and now I’m trying to adjust to feeling normal again. It’s kind of funny to think about, when it’s put like that. If you live under enough stress for long enough, losing it can be almost as dramatic as gaining it in the first place. What do you do with yourself now? Before, I spent a lot of time just withdrawing in on myself, mindlessly scrolling on my phone until I fell asleep. Now I have to remember how I did things when I didn’t live with a miserable anchor around my neck.
Now, to be clear, my job is still plenty stressful. This is still an adjustment. My previous jobs were very demanding of me physically, or of my time, but those let me leave work at work. My current job, even when I’m not “working” at home, stays on my mind. Without saying too much, I’m working with disadvantaged families and there’s just a lot you see and (can’t) do that weighs on you. But I’ve gotten pretty good at it. The people I work with like me and often go from angry that I’m there to happy I came by the end. Being able to do that, and being able to see a few times where my help really meant something has gone a long way for my mental well being. There’s just a difference when you learn a little and gain experience.
So, I plan on getting this thing back in motion. It’s funny that the blog here started as a way of coping with my depression years ago. Back then, I was in a really bad spot. I would work long hours, get paid a a pittance, and go home dead tired. This blog exists because I saw an ad for a deal on hosting a website and I (very irresponsibly) scraped together what I could to give it a shot. It was meant to give me a sense of purpose through a dark time, and it did. This time it was the opposite, I had to step away from here to deal with my problems. I think that’s healthy. Stress, depression, fear, doubt, they can hit you in dozens of ways. This time, I didn’t need purpose, I just needed to step away. And, it worked. I’m not in a perfect place, but I’ve done what I need to, enough that I can try and put the extra effort back into my passions.
With all that said, I’m setting a reminder so I don’t forget a new chapter this week!